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Track Name: The Howell Dawdy Mixtape Intro
THE HOWELL DAWDY MIXTAPE INTRO

Suddenly you find yourself
without a hold, out of breath
trying to regain your sight
but all you see is blinding light
unsure if you are flying falling flat
against the wall
against the ground
curled in a ball
or upside and hanging by your toes
nothing in reach nowhere to go
like someone put your mind on hold
your will to fight is wearing out
you may be mute or screaming out
but all you hear is my voice loud
and some repeated looping sound
tying you into a knot
a bow
a bundle
a bushel
a twist
a jumble
some kind of macramé puzzle
too tight for you to struggle and separate
and you can't escape
and you can't escape
and you can't escape
and you can't escape
and you can't escape
and you can't escape
and you can't escape
it's the Howell Dawdy Mixtape
Track Name: Feelin' Fine
FEELIN' FINE

Is this line for a free drug party?
Or just the ATM?
Did you guys all forget to call me?
Or are we not friends?
Are those crazy words on your T-shirt
for the whole world or just for me?
Because if so, you should know I don't speak German.
Or perhaps I just never learned to read.
Is that a thing?

Hey there brothers and sisters
I hope you're feelin' fine
I hope you're feelin' fine
I hope you're feelin' fine
Hey there sisters and brothers
I hope you're feelin' fine
And I hope we all know a little bit of peace before we die

I hope that you and I can move forward despite all of our past mistakes
I hope we can both stop assuming the worst with with every move the other makes
I'm sick of the emotional wall you put up when I kicked the side of your car
and I want to see us connect like we did when I complimented your scars
I hope we always have each other no matter what this world deals
I hope we never stop caring how the other one feels
I hope you'd struggle and fight for me no matter what that would mean
and if not I guess I'll try CVS or a different walgreens

Look at how much they've marked these books down, why would anyone buy these?
I think it's gonna be better tomorrow.
Hey if you got murdered, would you want the guy to get caught or feel really bad and turn himself in?
Hey.

Is this the line for the nude Craigslist disco?
Well, why are you here?
Track Name: New Sound
NEW SOUND

Hey I heard you pulled yourself up out of the dirt
and looked around
I heard you put on a nice white collared shirt
I heard you found a way to profit from your chosen pursuits
monetarily
and picked a spot to put down your roots
metaphorically

Hey I heard you dug a hole in the ground
and filled it back up
with concrete and wood frames and bricks
all stacked up

I heard you decorated it
with paint and rugs and wedding gifts
and trinkets brought back from your trips
and lamps and sinks and light switches
a heavy black metal fridge
covered in some comic strips
that you consider relevant
and stuck under a magnet with
the name & number of a plumber
bills stacked on the kitchen counter
a fake tree, draperies
artisanal toiletries
a front door, some hardwood floors
take out napkins in a drawer
stack of books you'll never read
2 kids watching a TV

meanwhile I've been working on a new sound

Hey I heard you've sampled bits of all mankind's collected wisdom
& you're skeptical of deities but can't dismiss them
I heard you think society needs rules and altruism
so you give a third of all of your money to The System

And I heard they take your check, put it in a pot with all the rest
and then they filter all the money into things that you detest
like stuff to kill or spy or subvert or manipulate the truth
or cut down trees or cut down mountains or pollute your children's future

Yeah I heard you paid em money
so that they could pay somebody
to figure a way for you to pay for you to pay somebody
while some politician's buddy
looking for some real money
says we need a bill so I can bill you for the way I'm robbing you
and probably you've just given up
thinking at least some of it's cuz half of the population sucks
and should be given their own nation they can wreck
with their self righteous stagnation and their debt . . . oh forget here's a check

meanwhile I've been working on a new sound


while you've been at work
I've been working on a new sound
while you've been asleep
I've been working on a new sound
while you read editorials
I work on a new sound
while you call your mom a bunch
I work on a new sound

And while your marriage turned out to be perfect or is a complete joke
and your job is unfulfilling or the best or you're broke
and your kids impress you day by day with aptitude and grace
or you're just hoping they learn some shame before you pass away
or some robots came and took over your country's government
but turns out they're decent at it so a new era begins
or you win a nobel prize for preventing a recession
or you can't even update that stupid blog you started when
you thought you had something to say but now your mind is full of questions
and you're pretty sure that no one needs a bunch of extra questions

that's when i've been working on a new sound
Track Name: Fire Extinguisher
FIRE EXTINGUISHER

I need a fire extinguisher
I need a brick on a string
I need some big warm blankets and a brand name jacket
and a way to carry all those things

I need a job with some status
I need a brick on a string
I need a car with a full time driver who's also a student
in something interesting

I need a fire extinguisher
I need a couple bold-colored pre-stained rugs

I need a fire extinguisher
I need a spot we can all meet
I need a ditch dug over there
I need a lover who proofreads professionally

I need a feature article about my hometown
In the new york times
I need 50 of that in ones, 50 of that in ones,
50 of that in ones
and 100 of that in ones

I need a fire extinguisher
I need a 12 pack of moist towelettes

I need a fire extinguisher

I need a fire extinguisher
I need to finish this book tonight or throw it out
I need to find out where my money's going
I need to stop associating the natural world with doubt

I need a fire extinguisher
I need to know if there's a sheep hunting season
I need a non-watermarked photo of the princess of monaco
Committing a deliberate act of treason

I need a fire extinguisher
I need a dumpster with a lid that locks for some reason
I need a fire extinguisher

All right I need to finish this list up so I can go get this stuff, so real quick

1. I need a fresh sweater that fits
2. I need to clean the bloodstains off these oven mitts
3. I probably need to change the locks on my front door
4. I need to store some canned food under my closet floor
5. I need to question my acceptance of the status quo
6. but not before I swap spit with some rich people
7. I need to catch my breath for a second

I need a fire extinguisher

I need a fire extinguisher
you know, like one of the big ones
I need some me time
Track Name: Party
PARTY

This party is about to
This party is about to
This party is about to
This party is about to

This party is about to get off to a great start
there's signs pointed at my front door in my front yard
There's ample parking right around the corner at the hardware store
just buy some gum and leave the gum receipt up on your dashboard

Turned on all my lights, emptied the sink in my bathroom
water company said they'd get it back on real soon
good cuz we got instant coffee, noodles, and some silly straws
i left earplugs & sleeping pills in my neighbors' mailbox

All my friends'll be outside my door any minute
we'll put a soda bottle down on the floor and we'll spin it
and whichever dude the bottle points at will get a digit
of the number that unlocks the little box of raffle tickets

& the winner of the raffle will go head to head in battle
with the first person to memorize this monologue from Before Sunrise
ENDURANCE CHALLENGE we'll stack books up on their outstretched arms
while remaining guests calibrate and test all of my smoke alarms

OK the novel writing workshop's in the back under the trampoline
so gym club's practicing their jumps down in the library
we may have to reschedule choosing worst dressed & crowning the fool
since everybody's late right now but when they get here you know that

this party is about to
this party is about to
this party is about to
this party is about to

Everybody's gonna be here in a minute!
Everybody's gonna be here!
Track Name: Simple (ft. Joan Shelley)
Item 1: Subject agrees that human beings flourish when given support and a little bit of space

Item 2: Subject agrees she can't disprove that the government's in contact with an advanced alien race

Item 3: She agrees she enters this willfully

4: She acknowledges almost everything ends miserably

but 5: She admits we should be content to be alive, even if I forget her birthday or catch her back porch on fire

Item 6: Parties agree to sleep in shifts

Item 7: Parties agree we need a security pit

Item 8: It is worse to be early than late, better distant than fake, better a loner than a flake

Item 9: She agrees to not take pictures of me when I am bored and show them to me later when I am still bored

Item 10: She agrees our culture is too clean, there's too much trust in machines, & discourse is too mean

Also She admits the right path is hard to foresee, especially with lizards everywhere controlling our dreams

So when she finds me on the floor swaddled in existential doubt, she agrees to remind me we're all equally freaked out.

It's so simple, you and me
It's so simple, you and me
we got everything,
everything,
everything that we need.

Item 11: Subject agrees we are not ready for children but more importantly they are not ready for us

Item 12: Subject agrees to tell me my hair sucks if it sucks and not be diplomatic or ambiguous

Item 13: She agrees not to try to convince me that psychics are interesting in any way

14 She agrees that we need to delete any correspondence that mentions our names or birthdays

Subject agrees in full with the following critical analysis of Short Circuit 1 and 2:

1. Ostensibly an analogy for the dangers of the military industrial complex, the film is less about robotics than it is about respect for the mystery of the 'self'

2. Therefore the underlying message is that the free will of a self-possessed soul, however wretched, should trump the interests of a collective hierarchy, however strong

3. Spoiler Alert: Giving citizenship to a robot with a soul implies the world of the films has acquired proof in the dualistic nature of that self

& 4. Despite the absence of Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy and the inherent deficiencies of a blockbuster sequel, the supporting cast, location, and 5's character development make the second film superior to the first

But we got each other and that's all we need
We each got a lover and that's all that we need
We don't need any other cuz our love's guaranteed
Sign on the line baby this contract is our love decreed


Item 15: Subject agrees to not force moments of linear reflection i.e. broad causal factors for a perceived failure

16: She agrees that the attached list of bedroom activities are at least on the table

17: She agrees agrees to not say 'begging the question' when she means 'raising the question'

& 18: She agrees that the word homage isn't french and therefore shouldn't qualify for a french pronunciation

Furthermore she agrees the moon landing was faked, but only because it's already populated with mormons

Both parties agree life is more interesting if we presume our deaths are already predetermined

Also she admits the right path is hard to foresee, especially with lizards everywhere controlling our dreams

So when she finds me on the floor swaddled in existential doubt, she agrees to remind me we're all equally freaked out.
Track Name: Presents (ft. Squeezebot)
PRESENTS

I'm hiding presents everywhere
I'm hiding presents everywhere

Hey I got you something
and I hid it super good
you would not think to look for presents
where I put these little treasures
every year I get more clever
and put gifts every wherever

I got stuff for my whole family
in a boot under a tree
I even hid some stuff for me
wait I hid lots of stuff for me
in the dumpster behind Walgreens

I hid a ham for my friend tony
in a bag inside his trunk
after I took his keys
suggesting he was far too
egg nog drunk

And then I hid his keys
behind a book real high up on his shelf
I cannot wait to give them to him
when he finds them there himself

I'm hiding presents everywhere
I'm hiding presents everywhere

I hid webcams for my friend colin
in several rooms inside his house
I hooked them up so i can see his
reaction when he finds out

I hid a free meal from red lobster in my friend Karen's garage
Nathan's gift is that I painted his cool bike all camouflage
I hid a stack of money in that little drawer under Mom's stove
Matt had crazy gifts so I hid him an off-season park commode

You would not think to look for presents
where I put these little treasures
every year i get more clever
& put gifts every wherever
it's my holiday endeavor
there should just be gifts everywhere

I'm hiding presents everywhere
I'm hiding presents everywhere

And my sister's got more presents hidden at my neighbors place
they're upstairs in the bedroom closet in an antique jewelry case
and my dad has got some presents in a car I saw on main
though I should probably hide them elsewhere in case that car gets moved again
and my mom has got more presents hidden all over the town
it will take her years of shopping just to track all of them down

but I hid the greatest gift of all for my dear lady friend
who's been hinting she would love a little animal companion
& how could she guess that wrapped up tight under her tree right now
is exactly . . .


you would not think to look for presents
where I put these little treasures
every year I get more clever
and put gifts every wherever
Track Name: The Howell Dawdy Mixtape 2nd Intro
The Howell Dawdy Mixtape 2ND INTRO

Suddenly you find yourself
still listening to the
Howell Dawdy Mixtape
Track Name: Cool Dino Coat
COOL DINO COAT

H O W E DOUBLE L D A W D Y that's who I'll be til I die

H O W E DOUBLE L D A W D Y that's who I'll be til I die

It's easy to remember my name it's HOWELL DAWDY, just think howdy doody but switch the first D Y with an E and two LLs and remember Ooh goes to Aah in the second name like Doo Dah it's easy

I feel a pure jolt of joy in my heart when a ray of sunlight hits my skin
I know what I want and I dig in
I enjoy watching TV with a woman
and I love a day where you just stay in bed
and count all the things you could also be doin

Like jogging around with other people on a track
or taking that stack of library books back
Instead I drew a weird face on this old phone jack
and I made this really cool dinosaur coat with furry spines all up the back

But it's too crowded for me to express myself in this world
But it's too crowded for me to express myself in this world
But it's too crowded for me to express myself in this world
It's too crowded.

I'm writing a musical that's Showgirls meets the Illiad
I wrote a 200 page dissertation on Queensryche's middle period
I write shoot and edit all these stupid howdy doody vids
& I've organized all my emojis by both color and seriousness

but at least I'm not wasting my time by going to the doctor
or thinking about what all those online courses might have to offer
I'm just working on a puzzle that you can eat as a snack
and I made this really cool dinosaur coat with furry spines all up the back

I direct a monthly reenactment of The Neverending Story
& we rotate all the parts just to keep it from getting boring
I've got 74 hours of stock audio I've been storing
that I keep just in case I wanna know more about flag restoring

I could open a magic shop with just the stuff that's on my bed right now
I celebrate Xmas year round in a shack only I know about
let's face it most everyone's either a sucker or a hack
and I built this cool dinosaur coat with furry spines up the back

It's too cold outside
it's too hot in here
there's too many distractions
I'm sleeping too much I think
There's too many rules
And there's too much freedom
Oh you want me to pay to park here
the economy's doing something, I don't get it
To be honest I'm not nuts about this survey, do you have a different one I could take?
Everyone loves cars, no one loves traffic
rabbits look sad to me all the time
Track Name: Boo, I'm A Ghost (ft. Sandpaper Dolls)
BOO, I'M A GHOST

Boo I'm a ghost

Boo I'm a ghost
that's my greeting
sometimes i have to repeat it
cuz people start screaming

They run back down the hall
shut the door and lock it
so i step through the wall
cuz I wasn't finished talking

I tell em boo i'm a ghost
I live here too
crazy that it's taken me this long
to talk to you

I mean I watch you all the time
and you seem pretty cool
but if we're gonna live together
you should get to know the rules

Number 1 I'm a ghost
I do what I want
this is the house I died in
it's the house I'll haunt

Only other rule is
keep a chill morning routine
cuz most nights I'm up pretty late
watching you sleep

But I don't mind people
in fact I used to be one
but eventually human forms
become empty ones

So who knows if you and I end up
getting along nicely
we could haunt this house together
when they bury that old body

Boo I'm a ghost
Boo I'm a ghost
Boo I'm a ghost
Boo I'm a ghost

Now a lot of people are scared of me
why would you be scared of me
I'm made of air and I'm depressed
I feel like you could take me

I mean yes I make noises in the middle of the night and
yes I rattle windows and I flicker the lights and
yes I represent suffering after death and
yes I raise a lot of crazy spiritual questions

But I don't carry bacteria
or viruses or germs
my hair's not full of lice &
my bowels aren't full of worms

And I'm not built of gradually decaying
meat and skin
I mean for real let's take an inventory
of what's actually frightening

Blood - I don't have it, but you do
guts - I don't have em, but you do
bile - I don't have it, but you do
you're like a bag of stuff that's gross even to you

tears - I don't have em, but you do
other fluids - I don't have em, but you do
fat cells - I don't have them, but you do
You're like 3 steps away from being an unpleasant stew

Boo I'm a ghost
sorry I think I mentioned that
sorry I keep sneaking up on you too
I always do that

Hey what's with all the boxes?
are you moving out?
Just when i'd adjusted
to having you around?

Is this cuz you were in the attic
and I maniacally laughed?
or because i popped up in the mirror
while you were taking a bath?

Are you mad that I like to distract you
when you've got the stove on?
It's just i'd counted on you dying here
and it's taking so long

Not that I mind people
in fact i used to be one
but i like human beings less
than the ghostly ones

so it'd be nice if you and I could
sort this thing out
then we could haunt this house together
when your body's in the ground.

Boo I'm a ghost.
Track Name: Pretty Princess (The Howell Dawdy Wedding March)
PRETTY PRINCESS (The Howell Dawdy Wedding March)

Look at my pretty princess
see how she sparkles and glows
look at my pretty princess
I wonder if she knows that she's the prettiest girl in the world.
Track Name: I'm Fun
I'M FUN

I was picking all these roses for my friends

when a lady approached me with apprehension

she said, 'little man, you are on my property,

and you are stealing my beautiful red roses from me'

I said 'I just need a bunch more and I'll be done

Here's one for Bobby and one for Allison'

She said, 'I'll notify the police if you won't leave'

And I said 'Oh, look another big one just for me'

I'm fun!
I'm fun!
I'm fun!
I'm fun!

I was shouting just outside a children's school

when I was asked if I could find something better to do

I said 'Why are all the children locked inside?

Shouldn't they be as free as we to live a life?'

They said, 'There are too many dangers in the world,

so we lock the doors to protect the boys and girls'

I said 'I am free and I am not afraid'

And I got back in my van and drove away

I'm fun!

I was carving Springsteen lyrics into the hood of a strangers car

when I heard him holler harshly as he exited a bar

now I wasn't in the mood for some unpleasant confrontation

so like a saint I plucked and pocketed both his parking violations

then I hopped a friendly fence and found a pool with no one in it

disrobed myself completely as I was unprepared for swimming

no offense to the purveyor but chlorine affects my skin

so I grabbed some baking power from the fridge and rubbed it in

& when a little child approached from either the dining room or den

& asked if I was santa or the tooth fairy or the grinch

I winked and put a finger to the side of my powdered nose

and danced off to the backyard to retrieve all of my clothes

I'm fun!
Track Name: People
PEOPLE

Hey look it's ol' black beard
that guy is really weird
he's always pacing back & forth
and he wears tennis shoes to work
and I swear he drinks the most obscure brands of beer like that makes him cultured

And he's talking to skinny slim
the sworn enemy of letting anyone be right except for him
he's always gesturing like he's conducting all his words with his hands
people nod they understand
but they're just entranced by his dancing limbs

And over there is make-up lathered, skinny little cadaver,
everything faked nearly naked girl
she's slouched and pouting and staring at her phone
no idea why someone like her could be alone

And who am I? Oh, I'm just the narrator out here drifting in between
outside the walls of all these little experiments I'm observing
I'm not perfect I've got my own quirks,weaknesses and fears
but the people who live through all these holes I drilled are super weird

the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird
the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird
the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird
the people through these holes are weird

Oh and check out ring guy the guy who wears rings all the time
like tons of rings, too many rings and he's a guy, that's weird right

And he's friends with this tiny little dude
who brings over all this snack food
and rides a bike with a big antique-looking headlight

They used to have this mutual friend who put up with both of them
but you could tell he just liked the snacks and the stereo system
anyway he met this girl with glasses & curly hair who drags him to yoga classes
every night of the week so now he misses them

And her mom's always hanging around collecting what people left on the ground
she's got a room piled high with weirdness you wouldn't even believe it
so the aimless guy and the yoga girl sat her down and scolded her saying
this garbage belongs in a dump where we can't see it

the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird
the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird
the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird
the people through these holes are weird

Look at all these weirdos
with their haircuts
odd-shaped bodies lumbering around on clumsy feet
staring at glowing screens
writing down boring dreams
you should see the manners when someone doesn't know you're watching them eat

And last but not least we've got my favorite oddity
a single woman living independent on her own
she has tons of family and friends
but can't seem to keep up with any of them
she's in this rut and can't figure out how to throw herself a bone

So she's just trying to get by
one day of her life at a time while
everything shoots by temporary and overpriced

She had to go into debt just to stay alive
she has to go out and get wet just to stay dry
wonders if she can collect on her investment
before she dies

And sure she knows she's lucky but knowing that doesn't change the fact
that she cries a couple times a week for no clear reason
and the choices that she's made well aren't they choices, didn't she make them
if there's a right answer why all this celebration of freedom?

She just wants to be all right and to be needed and to be secure
and be able to handle whatever injustice life throws at her
she wants to be seen and heard and understood and appreciated
if only she knew i'm here behind this hole really hoping that she makes it

look at all these weirdos
with their haircuts
odd-shaped bodies lumbering around on clumsy feet
staring at glowing screens
writing down boring dreams
you should see the manners when . . . did he just see me?
Track Name: #Value
#VALUE

Do you hear that

Do you hear how the intro calls to you

But doesn't overwhelm you

It beckons you on


Do you hear that

Do you hear how that beat came in just right

Perfectly timed to start the song

I've taken numerous steps to ensure that every sound you hear is gold

It's not a trick it's just I know to illicit the responses that I want

Do you hear that

Do you hear this is a thing of value

Howell Dawdy with a message from your sponsor
Don't you think you deserve the finest things the world can offer
I've cut this track precisely from the finest wavelengths
and customized & equalized it for exactly your brain shape
You won't regret investing in this superior delight
Guaranteed to increase in value and collectability over time
It's a hand selected multipatented premium blended groove
Filtered through a process only i know how to do

Do you hear that

Do you hear this is a thing of value


Looks like you're into it so far but not so sure you should commit
You want a guarantee or warranty this beat will never quit
Yes not only are there many luxurious features to be revealed
But it comes with the Howell Dawdy's exclusive 6 point guarantee
1.There's nothing toxic, no chemicals, no additives
2. It can be played around old people & little kids
3. This song's for you & only you & no one else
4. You look so powerful right now everyone's beside themselves
5. I'm not really in your head & I can't read or steal your thoughts
6. This song will not end until it's done or you shut it off.

Did you hear that

Did you hear the HD 6 point quality guarantee

Look it breaks down here for a little variety of mood
But also to add to the tension as we approach the song's conclusion
This is where I remind you that you're the hero of your own story
and personally congratulate you on your past and future victories
The way you target things in life makes me admire you
and have I mentioned you can do anything that you set your mind to
See for most folks a song is just something they get to listen to
But you seem like someone who needs a score sculpted just for you
In fact your lifestyle fits just what song ownership demands
& if you don't have cash I will accept flat arable tracts of land

(Howell Dawdy cannot accept land in Wisconsin or Missouri all sales are final however Howell Dawdy retains the right to recall the song at full refund if later approached by a sports team or a higher end beverage company)
Track Name: Couldn't Have No Funeral
COULDN'T HAVE NO FUNERAL

Never knew what my papa did
when I was a child you see
Mama called him an extra
I guess cuz he didn't spend much time with her or me

So she watched her stories
and I watched the glorious Conan the Barbarian
Conan was strong
and he taught me right from wrong
he taught me how to be a man

'Til late one night I saw the truth in the glow of a flickering TV screen
I'd rented a video that terminated all of the lies I'd been living

Papa shone so bright in his police uniform
working late at night, as I now know was his norm
Conan had on shades
and a black leather jacket
And he burst into the station makin all kinds of racket

Oh why'd you do it Conan
Why'd you shoot my paw?
He was just doing his job
as a man of the law.

Oh why'd you do it Conan
Why'd you shoot my paw to death?
Couldn't have no funeral,
your big old gun left no piece of him to lay to rest

Well I took that tape to Mama
shouting 'Why'd you hide the truth?
Why'd you say papa packed all his things up and left you for Hollywood?'
She said 'Hush now child be quiet,
can't you see J.R.'s been shot?'
But I could tell from her tears
and her discarded beers
the truth was just too hard to quaff

So I went back on down to that old TV screen
and I said my last goodbyes
to my leading man
and Conan the Villian
and a life of listening to lies

Papa shone so bright in his police uniform
working late at night, as I now know was his norm
Conan had on shades
and a black leather jacket
And he burst into the station makin all kinds of racket

Oh why'd you do it Conan
Why'd you shoot my paw?
He was just doing his job
as a man of the law.

Oh why'd you do it Conan
Why'd you shoot my paw to death?
Couldn't have no funeral,
your big old gun left no piece of him to lay to rest

Why'd you do it Conan?
Why'd you point your gun and shoot?
Why'd you make Papa spill his coffee,
as you blew several holes right through him?

Why'd you do it Conan?
Why'd you say you would be back?
Without mentioning
you'd be shotgunning everyone to death
in a attack

Oh why'd you do it Conan
Why'd you shoot my paw to death?
Couldn't have no funeral,
your big old gun left no piece of him to lay to rest
Track Name: Bananas Don't Float
BANANAS DON'T FLOAT

An open letter to the guy at the end of Life of Pi who said he didn't buy the story because bananas don't float

What's your problem, what are you doing, is this fun for you?
Do you ruin every story where a monkey rides a fruit?
Is it hard to listen when you already know everything
Or is finding one plot-hole super interesting?
Hey did you study fruit buoyancy in acting school?
Or have you caught lots of title characters lying to you?
If I was pi I simply would have asked you to leave
In fact can I'll clear this set now of anyone who can't believe
that an orangutan adrift at sea with half a will to live
could outsmart a guy with 2 lines in a hollywood film.

hey maybe it depends on the ripeness of the bananas, or the saltiness of the water. How heavy is an orangutan?

But it wasn't up to me so you weren't edited out
and I guess your character's not supposed to give benefits of the doubt
but here's this super neat story with all this cool stuff in it
and you shut down your imagination in the first 10 minutes?
Did you bring a clipboard so you could write down your comments?
Does it just say bananas and there's nothing else on it?
I pose a serious question to the men and women of Earth:
Is this world a better place if we listen to fruit density experts?
I didn't think so, so shut up & listen to Pi
maybe you'll learn something they don't teach at Naysayer High

Bananas don't float

Hey what if there was something that floats under the bananas?
Or what if there were buoys on the net that held the bananas?
Or what if the monkey was just holding lots of bananas
and swimming really good despite the weight of the bananas?
what if the air from the sinking ship fired out bananas
and launched a big rocket to the sky made of bananas
and it turns out there's a monkey hiding in the bananas
and he gets to the lifeboat before the actual sinking of the bananas?

My research tells me you're in a Joe's Crab shack commercial
Did you discredit that as well or was it pretty incontrovertible?
I see you've since played a Lawyer on an episode of 30 rock
so maybe the insurance agent role was to pay your student loans off?
But I think you need to head back to school f or your next part
And study how nobody cares how smart you are
you see anything can float if you accept the 'bigger truths'
which are so big that they don't even actually need to be true
So i'll put my money on Pi and you can sink with your food
good luck finding lots of parts with your rotten attitude.

I've had it with that guy from the Life of Pi
I'm tired of these bit player skeptics ruining all my movies.