THE HOWELL DAWDY MIXTAPE INTRO Suddenly you find yourself without a hold, out of breath trying to regain your sight but all you see is blinding light unsure if you are flying falling flat against the wall against the ground curled in a ball or upside and hanging by your toes nothing in reach nowhere to go like someone put your mind on hold your will to fight is wearing out you may be mute or screaming out but all you hear is my voice loud and some repeated looping sound tying you into a knot a bow a bundle a bushel a twist a jumble some kind of macramé puzzle too tight for you to struggle and separate and you can't escape and you can't escape and you can't escape and you can't escape and you can't escape and you can't escape and you can't escape it's the Howell Dawdy Mixtape

FEELIN' FINE Is this line for a free drug party? Or just the ATM? Did you guys all forget to call me? Or are we not friends? Are those crazy words on your T-shirt for the whole world or just for me? Because if so, you should know I don't speak German. Or perhaps I just never learned to read. Is that a thing? Hey there brothers and sisters I hope you're feelin' fine I hope you're feelin' fine I hope you're feelin' fine Hey there sisters and brothers I hope you're feelin' fine And I hope we all know a little bit of peace before we die I hope that you and I can move forward despite all of our past mistakes I hope we can both stop assuming the worst with with every move the other makes I'm sick of the emotional wall you put up when I kicked the side of your car and I want to see us connect like we did when I complimented your scars I hope we always have each other no matter what this world deals I hope we never stop caring how the other one feels I hope you'd struggle and fight for me no matter what that would mean and if not I guess I'll try CVS or a different walgreens Look at how much they've marked these books down, why would anyone buy these? I think it's gonna be better tomorrow. Hey if you got murdered, would you want the guy to get caught or feel really bad and turn himself in? Hey. Is this the line for the nude Craigslist disco? Well, why are you here?

NEW SOUND Hey I heard you pulled yourself up out of the dirt and looked around I heard you put on a nice white collared shirt I heard you found a way to profit from your chosen pursuits monetarily and picked a spot to put down your roots metaphorically Hey I heard you dug a hole in the ground and filled it back up with concrete and wood frames and bricks all stacked up I heard you decorated it with paint and rugs and wedding gifts and trinkets brought back from your trips and lamps and sinks and light switches a heavy black metal fridge covered in some comic strips that you consider relevant and stuck under a magnet with the name & number of a plumber bills stacked on the kitchen counter a fake tree, draperies artisanal toiletries a front door, some hardwood floors take out napkins in a drawer stack of books you'll never read 2 kids watching a TV meanwhile I've been working on a new sound Hey I heard you've sampled bits of all mankind's collected wisdom & you're skeptical of deities but can't dismiss them I heard you think society needs rules and altruism so you give a third of all of your money to The System And I heard they take your check, put it in a pot with all the rest and then they filter all the money into things that you detest like stuff to kill or spy or subvert or manipulate the truth or cut down trees or cut down mountains or pollute your children's future Yeah I heard you paid em money so that they could pay somebody to figure a way for you to pay for you to pay somebody while some politician's buddy looking for some real money says we need a bill so I can bill you for the way I'm robbing you and probably you've just given up thinking at least some of it's cuz half of the population sucks and should be given their own nation they can wreck with their self righteous stagnation and their debt . . . oh forget here's a check meanwhile I've been working on a new sound while you've been at work I've been working on a new sound while you've been asleep I've been working on a new sound while you read editorials I work on a new sound while you call your mom a bunch I work on a new sound And while your marriage turned out to be perfect or is a complete joke and your job is unfulfilling or the best or you're broke and your kids impress you day by day with aptitude and grace or you're just hoping they learn some shame before you pass away or some robots came and took over your country's government but turns out they're decent at it so a new era begins or you win a nobel prize for preventing a recession or you can't even update that stupid blog you started when you thought you had something to say but now your mind is full of questions and you're pretty sure that no one needs a bunch of extra questions that's when i've been working on a new sound

FIRE EXTINGUISHER I need a fire extinguisher I need a brick on a string I need some big warm blankets and a brand name jacket and a way to carry all those things I need a job with some status I need a brick on a string I need a car with a full time driver who's also a student in something interesting I need a fire extinguisher I need a couple bold-colored pre-stained rugs I need a fire extinguisher I need a spot we can all meet I need a ditch dug over there I need a lover who proofreads professionally I need a feature article about my hometown In the new york times I need 50 of that in ones, 50 of that in ones, 50 of that in ones and 100 of that in ones I need a fire extinguisher I need a 12 pack of moist towelettes I need a fire extinguisher I need a fire extinguisher I need to finish this book tonight or throw it out I need to find out where my money's going I need to stop associating the natural world with doubt I need a fire extinguisher I need to know if there's a sheep hunting season I need a non-watermarked photo of the princess of monaco Committing a deliberate act of treason I need a fire extinguisher I need a dumpster with a lid that locks for some reason I need a fire extinguisher All right I need to finish this list up so I can go get this stuff, so real quick 1. I need a fresh sweater that fits 2. I need to clean the bloodstains off these oven mitts 3. I probably need to change the locks on my front door 4. I need to store some canned food under my closet floor 5. I need to question my acceptance of the status quo 6. but not before I swap spit with some rich people 7. I need to catch my breath for a second I need a fire extinguisher I need a fire extinguisher you know, like one of the big ones I need some me time

PARTY This party is about to This party is about to This party is about to This party is about to This party is about to get off to a great start there's signs pointed at my front door in my front yard There's ample parking right around the corner at the hardware store just buy some gum and leave the gum receipt up on your dashboard Turned on all my lights, emptied the sink in my bathroom water company said they'd get it back on real soon good cuz we got instant coffee, noodles, and some silly straws i left earplugs & sleeping pills in my neighbors' mailbox All my friends'll be outside my door any minute we'll put a soda bottle down on the floor and we'll spin it and whichever dude the bottle points at will get a digit of the number that unlocks the little box of raffle tickets & the winner of the raffle will go head to head in battle with the first person to memorize this monologue from Before Sunrise ENDURANCE CHALLENGE we'll stack books up on their outstretched arms while remaining guests calibrate and test all of my smoke alarms OK the novel writing workshop's in the back under the trampoline so gym club's practicing their jumps down in the library we may have to reschedule choosing worst dressed & crowning the fool since everybody's late right now but when they get here you know that this party is about to this party is about to this party is about to this party is about to Everybody's gonna be here in a minute! Everybody's gonna be here!

Item 1: Subject agrees that human beings flourish when given support and a little bit of space Item 2: Subject agrees she can't disprove that the government's in contact with an advanced alien race Item 3: She agrees she enters this willfully 4: She acknowledges almost everything ends miserably but 5: She admits we should be content to be alive, even if I forget her birthday or catch her back porch on fire Item 6: Parties agree to sleep in shifts Item 7: Parties agree we need a security pit Item 8: It is worse to be early than late, better distant than fake, better a loner than a flake Item 9: She agrees to not take pictures of me when I am bored and show them to me later when I am still bored Item 10: She agrees our culture is too clean, there's too much trust in machines, & discourse is too mean Also She admits the right path is hard to foresee, especially with lizards everywhere controlling our dreams So when she finds me on the floor swaddled in existential doubt, she agrees to remind me we're all equally freaked out. It's so simple, you and me It's so simple, you and me we got everything, everything, everything that we need. Item 11: Subject agrees we are not ready for children but more importantly they are not ready for us Item 12: Subject agrees to tell me my hair sucks if it sucks and not be diplomatic or ambiguous Item 13: She agrees not to try to convince me that psychics are interesting in any way 14 She agrees that we need to delete any correspondence that mentions our names or birthdays Subject agrees in full with the following critical analysis of Short Circuit 1 and 2: 1. Ostensibly an analogy for the dangers of the military industrial complex, the film is less about robotics than it is about respect for the mystery of the 'self' 2. Therefore the underlying message is that the free will of a self-possessed soul, however wretched, should trump the interests of a collective hierarchy, however strong 3. Spoiler Alert: Giving citizenship to a robot with a soul implies the world of the films has acquired proof in the dualistic nature of that self & 4. Despite the absence of Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy and the inherent deficiencies of a blockbuster sequel, the supporting cast, location, and 5's character development make the second film superior to the first But we got each other and that's all we need We each got a lover and that's all that we need We don't need any other cuz our love's guaranteed Sign on the line baby this contract is our love decreed Item 15: Subject agrees to not force moments of linear reflection i.e. broad causal factors for a perceived failure 16: She agrees that the attached list of bedroom activities are at least on the table 17: She agrees agrees to not say 'begging the question' when she means 'raising the question' & 18: She agrees that the word homage isn't french and therefore shouldn't qualify for a french pronunciation Furthermore she agrees the moon landing was faked, but only because it's already populated with mormons Both parties agree life is more interesting if we presume our deaths are already predetermined Also she admits the right path is hard to foresee, especially with lizards everywhere controlling our dreams So when she finds me on the floor swaddled in existential doubt, she agrees to remind me we're all equally freaked out.

PRESENTS I'm hiding presents everywhere I'm hiding presents everywhere Hey I got you something and I hid it super good you would not think to look for presents where I put these little treasures every year I get more clever and put gifts every wherever I got stuff for my whole family in a boot under a tree I even hid some stuff for me wait I hid lots of stuff for me in the dumpster behind Walgreens I hid a ham for my friend tony in a bag inside his trunk after I took his keys suggesting he was far too egg nog drunk And then I hid his keys behind a book real high up on his shelf I cannot wait to give them to him when he finds them there himself I'm hiding presents everywhere I'm hiding presents everywhere I hid webcams for my friend colin in several rooms inside his house I hooked them up so i can see his reaction when he finds out I hid a free meal from red lobster in my friend Karen's garage Nathan's gift is that I painted his cool bike all camouflage I hid a stack of money in that little drawer under Mom's stove Matt had crazy gifts so I hid him an off-season park commode You would not think to look for presents where I put these little treasures every year i get more clever & put gifts every wherever it's my holiday endeavor there should just be gifts everywhere I'm hiding presents everywhere I'm hiding presents everywhere And my sister's got more presents hidden at my neighbors place they're upstairs in the bedroom closet in an antique jewelry case and my dad has got some presents in a car I saw on main though I should probably hide them elsewhere in case that car gets moved again and my mom has got more presents hidden all over the town it will take her years of shopping just to track all of them down but I hid the greatest gift of all for my dear lady friend who's been hinting she would love a little animal companion & how could she guess that wrapped up tight under her tree right now is exactly . . . you would not think to look for presents where I put these little treasures every year I get more clever and put gifts every wherever

The Howell Dawdy Mixtape 2ND INTRO Suddenly you find yourself still listening to the Howell Dawdy Mixtape

COOL DINO COAT H O W E DOUBLE L D A W D Y that's who I'll be til I die H O W E DOUBLE L D A W D Y that's who I'll be til I die It's easy to remember my name it's HOWELL DAWDY, just think howdy doody but switch the first D Y with an E and two LLs and remember Ooh goes to Aah in the second name like Doo Dah it's easy I feel a pure jolt of joy in my heart when a ray of sunlight hits my skin I know what I want and I dig in I enjoy watching TV with a woman and I love a day where you just stay in bed and count all the things you could also be doin Like jogging around with other people on a track or taking that stack of library books back Instead I drew a weird face on this old phone jack and I made this really cool dinosaur coat with furry spines all up the back But it's too crowded for me to express myself in this world But it's too crowded for me to express myself in this world But it's too crowded for me to express myself in this world It's too crowded. I'm writing a musical that's Showgirls meets the Illiad I wrote a 200 page dissertation on Queensryche's middle period I write shoot and edit all these stupid howdy doody vids & I've organized all my emojis by both color and seriousness but at least I'm not wasting my time by going to the doctor or thinking about what all those online courses might have to offer I'm just working on a puzzle that you can eat as a snack and I made this really cool dinosaur coat with furry spines all up the back I direct a monthly reenactment of The Neverending Story & we rotate all the parts just to keep it from getting boring I've got 74 hours of stock audio I've been storing that I keep just in case I wanna know more about flag restoring I could open a magic shop with just the stuff that's on my bed right now I celebrate Xmas year round in a shack only I know about let's face it most everyone's either a sucker or a hack and I built this cool dinosaur coat with furry spines up the back It's too cold outside it's too hot in here there's too many distractions I'm sleeping too much I think There's too many rules And there's too much freedom Oh you want me to pay to park here the economy's doing something, I don't get it To be honest I'm not nuts about this survey, do you have a different one I could take? Everyone loves cars, no one loves traffic rabbits look sad to me all the time

BOO, I'M A GHOST Boo I'm a ghost Boo I'm a ghost that's my greeting sometimes i have to repeat it cuz people start screaming They run back down the hall shut the door and lock it so i step through the wall cuz I wasn't finished talking I tell em boo i'm a ghost I live here too crazy that it's taken me this long to talk to you I mean I watch you all the time and you seem pretty cool but if we're gonna live together you should get to know the rules Number 1 I'm a ghost I do what I want this is the house I died in it's the house I'll haunt Only other rule is keep a chill morning routine cuz most nights I'm up pretty late watching you sleep But I don't mind people in fact I used to be one but eventually human forms become empty ones So who knows if you and I end up getting along nicely we could haunt this house together when they bury that old body Boo I'm a ghost Boo I'm a ghost Boo I'm a ghost Boo I'm a ghost Now a lot of people are scared of me why would you be scared of me I'm made of air and I'm depressed I feel like you could take me I mean yes I make noises in the middle of the night and yes I rattle windows and I flicker the lights and yes I represent suffering after death and yes I raise a lot of crazy spiritual questions But I don't carry bacteria or viruses or germs my hair's not full of lice & my bowels aren't full of worms And I'm not built of gradually decaying meat and skin I mean for real let's take an inventory of what's actually frightening Blood - I don't have it, but you do guts - I don't have em, but you do bile - I don't have it, but you do you're like a bag of stuff that's gross even to you tears - I don't have em, but you do other fluids - I don't have em, but you do fat cells - I don't have them, but you do You're like 3 steps away from being an unpleasant stew Boo I'm a ghost sorry I think I mentioned that sorry I keep sneaking up on you too I always do that Hey what's with all the boxes? are you moving out? Just when i'd adjusted to having you around? Is this cuz you were in the attic and I maniacally laughed? or because i popped up in the mirror while you were taking a bath? Are you mad that I like to distract you when you've got the stove on? It's just i'd counted on you dying here and it's taking so long Not that I mind people in fact i used to be one but i like human beings less than the ghostly ones so it'd be nice if you and I could sort this thing out then we could haunt this house together when your body's in the ground. Boo I'm a ghost.

PRETTY PRINCESS (The Howell Dawdy Wedding March) Look at my pretty princess see how she sparkles and glows look at my pretty princess I wonder if she knows that she's the prettiest girl in the world.

I'M FUN I was picking all these roses for my friends when a lady approached me with apprehension she said, 'little man, you are on my property, and you are stealing my beautiful red roses from me' I said 'I just need a bunch more and I'll be done Here's one for Bobby and one for Allison' She said, 'I'll notify the police if you won't leave' And I said 'Oh, look another big one just for me' I'm fun! I'm fun! I'm fun! I'm fun! I was shouting just outside a children's school when I was asked if I could find something better to do I said 'Why are all the children locked inside? Shouldn't they be as free as we to live a life?' They said, 'There are too many dangers in the world, so we lock the doors to protect the boys and girls' I said 'I am free and I am not afraid' And I got back in my van and drove away I'm fun! I was carving Springsteen lyrics into the hood of a strangers car when I heard him holler harshly as he exited a bar now I wasn't in the mood for some unpleasant confrontation so like a saint I plucked and pocketed both his parking violations then I hopped a friendly fence and found a pool with no one in it disrobed myself completely as I was unprepared for swimming no offense to the purveyor but chlorine affects my skin so I grabbed some baking power from the fridge and rubbed it in & when a little child approached from either the dining room or den & asked if I was santa or the tooth fairy or the grinch I winked and put a finger to the side of my powdered nose and danced off to the backyard to retrieve all of my clothes I'm fun!

PEOPLE Hey look it's ol' black beard that guy is really weird he's always pacing back & forth and he wears tennis shoes to work and I swear he drinks the most obscure brands of beer like that makes him cultured And he's talking to skinny slim the sworn enemy of letting anyone be right except for him he's always gesturing like he's conducting all his words with his hands people nod they understand but they're just entranced by his dancing limbs And over there is make-up lathered, skinny little cadaver, everything faked nearly naked girl she's slouched and pouting and staring at her phone no idea why someone like her could be alone And who am I? Oh, I'm just the narrator out here drifting in between outside the walls of all these little experiments I'm observing I'm not perfect I've got my own quirks,weaknesses and fears but the people who live through all these holes I drilled are super weird the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird the people through these holes are weird Oh and check out ring guy the guy who wears rings all the time like tons of rings, too many rings and he's a guy, that's weird right And he's friends with this tiny little dude who brings over all this snack food and rides a bike with a big antique-looking headlight They used to have this mutual friend who put up with both of them but you could tell he just liked the snacks and the stereo system anyway he met this girl with glasses & curly hair who drags him to yoga classes every night of the week so now he misses them And her mom's always hanging around collecting what people left on the ground she's got a room piled high with weirdness you wouldn't even believe it so the aimless guy and the yoga girl sat her down and scolded her saying this garbage belongs in a dump where we can't see it the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird the people who live through these holes I drilled are weird the people through these holes are weird Look at all these weirdos with their haircuts odd-shaped bodies lumbering around on clumsy feet staring at glowing screens writing down boring dreams you should see the manners when someone doesn't know you're watching them eat And last but not least we've got my favorite oddity a single woman living independent on her own she has tons of family and friends but can't seem to keep up with any of them she's in this rut and can't figure out how to throw herself a bone So she's just trying to get by one day of her life at a time while everything shoots by temporary and overpriced She had to go into debt just to stay alive she has to go out and get wet just to stay dry wonders if she can collect on her investment before she dies And sure she knows she's lucky but knowing that doesn't change the fact that she cries a couple times a week for no clear reason and the choices that she's made well aren't they choices, didn't she make them if there's a right answer why all this celebration of freedom? She just wants to be all right and to be needed and to be secure and be able to handle whatever injustice life throws at her she wants to be seen and heard and understood and appreciated if only she knew i'm here behind this hole really hoping that she makes it look at all these weirdos with their haircuts odd-shaped bodies lumbering around on clumsy feet staring at glowing screens writing down boring dreams you should see the manners when . . . did he just see me?

#VALUE Do you hear that Do you hear how the intro calls to you But doesn't overwhelm you It beckons you on Do you hear that Do you hear how that beat came in just right Perfectly timed to start the song I've taken numerous steps to ensure that every sound you hear is gold It's not a trick it's just I know to illicit the responses that I want Do you hear that Do you hear this is a thing of value Howell Dawdy with a message from your sponsor Don't you think you deserve the finest things the world can offer I've cut this track precisely from the finest wavelengths and customized & equalized it for exactly your brain shape You won't regret investing in this superior delight Guaranteed to increase in value and collectability over time It's a hand selected multipatented premium blended groove Filtered through a process only i know how to do Do you hear that Do you hear this is a thing of value Looks like you're into it so far but not so sure you should commit You want a guarantee or warranty this beat will never quit Yes not only are there many luxurious features to be revealed But it comes with the Howell Dawdy's exclusive 6 point guarantee 1.There's nothing toxic, no chemicals, no additives 2. It can be played around old people & little kids 3. This song's for you & only you & no one else 4. You look so powerful right now everyone's beside themselves 5. I'm not really in your head & I can't read or steal your thoughts 6. This song will not end until it's done or you shut it off. Did you hear that Did you hear the HD 6 point quality guarantee Look it breaks down here for a little variety of mood But also to add to the tension as we approach the song's conclusion This is where I remind you that you're the hero of your own story and personally congratulate you on your past and future victories The way you target things in life makes me admire you and have I mentioned you can do anything that you set your mind to See for most folks a song is just something they get to listen to But you seem like someone who needs a score sculpted just for you In fact your lifestyle fits just what song ownership demands & if you don't have cash I will accept flat arable tracts of land (Howell Dawdy cannot accept land in Wisconsin or Missouri all sales are final however Howell Dawdy retains the right to recall the song at full refund if later approached by a sports team or a higher end beverage company)

COULDN'T HAVE NO FUNERAL Never knew what my papa did when I was a child you see Mama called him an extra I guess cuz he didn't spend much time with her or me So she watched her stories and I watched the glorious Conan the Barbarian Conan was strong and he taught me right from wrong he taught me how to be a man 'Til late one night I saw the truth in the glow of a flickering TV screen I'd rented a video that terminated all of the lies I'd been living Papa shone so bright in his police uniform working late at night, as I now know was his norm Conan had on shades and a black leather jacket And he burst into the station makin all kinds of racket Oh why'd you do it Conan Why'd you shoot my paw? He was just doing his job as a man of the law. Oh why'd you do it Conan Why'd you shoot my paw to death? Couldn't have no funeral, your big old gun left no piece of him to lay to rest Well I took that tape to Mama shouting 'Why'd you hide the truth? Why'd you say papa packed all his things up and left you for Hollywood?' She said 'Hush now child be quiet, can't you see J.R.'s been shot?' But I could tell from her tears and her discarded beers the truth was just too hard to quaff So I went back on down to that old TV screen and I said my last goodbyes to my leading man and Conan the Villian and a life of listening to lies Papa shone so bright in his police uniform working late at night, as I now know was his norm Conan had on shades and a black leather jacket And he burst into the station makin all kinds of racket Oh why'd you do it Conan Why'd you shoot my paw? He was just doing his job as a man of the law. Oh why'd you do it Conan Why'd you shoot my paw to death? Couldn't have no funeral, your big old gun left no piece of him to lay to rest Why'd you do it Conan? Why'd you point your gun and shoot? Why'd you make Papa spill his coffee, as you blew several holes right through him? Why'd you do it Conan? Why'd you say you would be back? Without mentioning you'd be shotgunning everyone to death in a attack Oh why'd you do it Conan Why'd you shoot my paw to death? Couldn't have no funeral, your big old gun left no piece of him to lay to rest

BANANAS DON'T FLOAT An open letter to the guy at the end of Life of Pi who said he didn't buy the story because bananas don't float What's your problem, what are you doing, is this fun for you? Do you ruin every story where a monkey rides a fruit? Is it hard to listen when you already know everything Or is finding one plot-hole super interesting? Hey did you study fruit buoyancy in acting school? Or have you caught lots of title characters lying to you? If I was pi I simply would have asked you to leave In fact can I'll clear this set now of anyone who can't believe that an orangutan adrift at sea with half a will to live could outsmart a guy with 2 lines in a hollywood film. hey maybe it depends on the ripeness of the bananas, or the saltiness of the water. How heavy is an orangutan? But it wasn't up to me so you weren't edited out and I guess your character's not supposed to give benefits of the doubt but here's this super neat story with all this cool stuff in it and you shut down your imagination in the first 10 minutes? Did you bring a clipboard so you could write down your comments? Does it just say bananas and there's nothing else on it? I pose a serious question to the men and women of Earth: Is this world a better place if we listen to fruit density experts? I didn't think so, so shut up & listen to Pi maybe you'll learn something they don't teach at Naysayer High Bananas don't float Hey what if there was something that floats under the bananas? Or what if there were buoys on the net that held the bananas? Or what if the monkey was just holding lots of bananas and swimming really good despite the weight of the bananas? what if the air from the sinking ship fired out bananas and launched a big rocket to the sky made of bananas and it turns out there's a monkey hiding in the bananas and he gets to the lifeboat before the actual sinking of the bananas? My research tells me you're in a Joe's Crab shack commercial Did you discredit that as well or was it pretty incontrovertible? I see you've since played a Lawyer on an episode of 30 rock so maybe the insurance agent role was to pay your student loans off? But I think you need to head back to school f or your next part And study how nobody cares how smart you are you see anything can float if you accept the 'bigger truths' which are so big that they don't even actually need to be true So i'll put my money on Pi and you can sink with your food good luck finding lots of parts with your rotten attitude. I've had it with that guy from the Life of Pi I'm tired of these bit player skeptics ruining all my movies.